I’ve been working on something new for y’all. No, it’s not my Texan vernacular; it’s a video series. What I’ve learned is that a video has to grab your attention in the first nine seconds, or you will move on to the next thing. Now, I don’t know if that’s equally true of blog posts – and I have no idea how fast you read – but I’ll assume it is.
You are battered.
You are broken.
You are damaged.
Still with me?
Maybe you’re one of the few who’s done all the work and are fully mostly healed, in which case – congratulations! – and I know you, more than most, understand what I’m saying. No one escapes childhood unscathed.
Maybe you’re in denial and getting defensive at the accusation. That defensiveness? That’s proof positive to me that you’re in need of healing. The great news is that all of the negative emotions we bump up against – rage, sadness, anxiety, frustration, fear – those show us the areas of our lives we need to work on. Can you imagine the freedom you would feel if you could rid yourself of them? How would your relationships improve? How would the lives of your children benefit?
But where to start?
The coach in me wants to give you homework. Has to, really; it’s in the handbook. Do it or not, that’s up to you. If you don’t, please do not call me to work with you. I only take on clients who are as invested in their healing as I am.
A simple task: Every time you get triggered into a negative emotion, write it down. What was said/done that precipitated the emotion. Who said/did it? Make a page for it in your phone. Feel free to comment on this post. Whatever you choose to do with it, try to describe the emotion in detail. If you’re struggling to find the right word for it, look for it in the emotions list at the bottom of this page.
Do that for the next five days, after which I want you to look for patterns. You will likely find out a lot about yourself with this easy task. You might be able to identify some of the limiting beliefs that attach you to those triggers. That is a brilliant first step towards your own healing.
I have been working on myself for the better part of the past six years. I used to be a big ball of rage wrapped in sunshine! Its most obvious manifestation was on the golf course. I would slam clubs, take seven or eight frustrated swings at poor, innocent sand, and occasionally rip my glove to shreds. Once I even grabbed my driver by its head and swung it, hitting the driving range barrier with the grip, snapping it. The Driving Range. My behaviours were nothing, though, compared to the things I said. No, I’m not talking about my language – though I could drop the eff-bomb like nobody’s business and loudly! – but the other stuff, the words.”
“You’re so stupid!”
“What is the matter with you?!”
Helping me learn how to diminish, almost eliminate, those voices in my head is the number one thing I am grateful to my coaches for. I’m not perfect, I will never enjoy a bad shot as much as a good shot (sorry Deepak Chopra), but I live my life mostly in peace now. Golfing barefoot helps 😊
That said, there are still two things which get my back up – they are probably two sides of the same coin – disrespect and disparagement.
The former has been hitting me pretty hard lately. Just last week, I was speaking to a woman I know who is moving well and truly forward in several areas of her life. She was sharing with me that she had gone for a second job interview and was eager and excited. I shared in her enthusiasm and wished her luck, before letting her know my news: I got an office (248, 1001 1 St. SE)! “Hypnosis. Just don’t make me cluck like a chicken!” Can you say, Triggered? I was angry. It took me many deep breaths to realise that it wasn’t her that I was angry with – we’re not Tier One friends, just friendly banterers, after all – it was someone else in my life who likes to laugh off and downplay even the most serious of subjects. There’s the next wounded inner child that I need to heal! I look at bumping up against our boundaries as an opportunity to learn and grow.
The latter behaviour, disparagement, well, I cannot stand to see anyone – including myself – judged ‘lacking’ by anyone I know. If you feel superior to someone because of their weight, because they’re tattooed, because of their clothing style, or because of any of the other choices that they make for their lives, please don’t share it with me, but maybe ask yourself why their actions are triggering you.
You might discover something about yourself.
List of emotions:
In my sessions, in my musings, I talk of healing emotional traumas. Please understand that these are not the same as abuses. The difference, to my mind, is intention. Unlike the catalyst for our emotional traumas, the abuser knows exactly what he or she is doing to their victim. Their motives are cold and calculated. I am tempted to reach into my bag of bad words in describing them. If you have known abuse, I hope that you have already at least begun to get the help you need.
On the other hand, the scarring a person receives from a parent, teacher, schoolmate, or sibling is just life, same as the scar on my chinny chin chin. It is inevitable. It is only when the scar tissue impacts your daily life – or your progeny – that it needs to be cleaned out. It’s like an old basketball knee. Actually, the analogy I like to use is to a physical wound. Most of them are superficial and can be fixed up with a Band-Aid and a kiss, but there can be deep ones, which, if they are not tended to, can get infected and eventually poison the whole body. Beyond that, you’ve got the Superbugs which be transmitted to those nearest to us.
What will your legacy be?
Leave the world better.
Mental Health Coach